My Love/ Hate Relationship With My Boobs


“I’m a boob guy.”- The four words I dread to hear coming from a mans mouth. I doubt I’m the only small chested girl who feels this way.

 When I look back at my ‘Boob History’, I’m reminded that I was the first girl in my class to wear a bra. I was the first one to get some sort of sign of breasts. All the girls were fascinated and waiting for the day they could go to Marks And Spencers to get their own training bra. When I hit my mid teens, my boobs stopped growing and everyone else’s kept going. Ironic really. At age 24, I am a perky 32B.

The title of this blog pretty much sums it up…as it should. Some days I love my small boobs! There’s no risk of them hitting me in the face when I work out, I can sleep on my front and I can wear those lacy bralettes and pass it off as an actual clothing choice. Rather than: I got soooo drunk at pre drinks that I forgot to finish getting dressed.

Then there are the days when I’m flicking through Instagram and I see these breathtaking women wearing low cut bodysuits and dresses. “Wow” I think, “I’m gonna buy that outfit and then I can look like that!” Oh no, no, wait! Hang on. I can’t. Because I have nothing to hold that dress up. It won’t look the same as the girl on insta. In fact, if it’s even possible, it will make me look even more flat chested. T-shirt dress it is…

It’s not just my going out outfit choices that are limited either. I also need to be careful about the bras I choose. You think a padded bra is always the answer? Well, you’re wrong. I have yet to find a padded bra that makes my boobs look NATURALLY bigger. Now it could only be me that notices this, because I am the only one that sees my naked boobs every day, but, a padded bra always makes my boobs look really high up! Like, almost under my neck. So I either look like I had a botched boob job or that I’m cheating and wearing a wonderbra… which defeats the whole point, right? 

Doesn’t stop me from wearing them though… I have to! Or they honestly look so small and I, personally, just don’t like that. Maybe if I wore a REALLY tight top they’d look okay, but I’m not Kendall Jenner, I’m not confident enough for all that ‘free the nipple’ stuff. It’s way too cold in London anyway! 

Sidenote: Please no one mention waterbra’s. The concept of those freak me out and what happens if you have a leak? Although I am curious on if you put your ear to them….do you hear the ocean?

Now, I love those beautiful lacy bra’s, the ones you see in Victoria’s Secret…. *drool*. No padding, just underwire wrapped in beautiful lace with detailed stitching… just….uh, can we take a moment?….Okay. So they don’t work for me because I have next to no cleavage. So, my boobs actually take away the beauty from the bra. I look like a child trying on their mothers bra, because everyone finds it funny! (Don’t lie, you know you did that too). This is probably one of the main things that get me down about my boobs, because my underwear choices are based on the amount of padding and how it’s gonna sit on my chest and look under my shirt. Rather than: I’m gonna get this bra, because it’s just a really nice one.

Majority of my friends are big breasted women, and a lot of them complain about their juicy melons. Mostly because of back pain and the fact they can’t wear high neck tops because… well… they just look so funny in them haha! I don’t know what it is, their boobs just look way bigger and it’s very distracting for everyone! In a v-neck though… phwoar!

 So I guess the grass isn’t greener on the other side…But, I bet your partners aren’t complaining? Though that could be a bigoted opinion. Right now, I’m just trying to ‘rack’ my brain (sorry, had to) on if I’ve ever heard a man or a woman say: “I love them to pieces, but their breasts are just too humungous and it’s really getting in the way of our relationship.” Now that, I would be very interested to discuss with someone. 

I admit I do spend more time getting ready by applying bronzer to my 32b chest to create the allusion of cleavage, therefore risking getting make up on my outfit, but it makes me feel better. I am majority of the time wearing a padded bra, because, again, it makes me feel better. At the end of the day, when I get to take off my bra after a long day, I wish my boobs would fall a bit. Instead they stay where they are, which would be great, if they were just a little bigger. There’s always gonna be someone who loves their bigger- than- life- breasts.

Now onto a question I get asked a lot; Would I ever consider getting a boob job? To be honest, this is a decision I consider almost every day. Would I be happier with bigger boobs? Probably. Do my boobs depress me that much that I’m willing to save and spend thousands on a surgery and have over a month of healing time? Not really. Like I said, it’s a love/hate relationship. It will probably forever remain that way. 

 I also have that fear that if I get a boob job that my boobs won’t heal properly and they’ll  go hard. That is a huge risk when it comes to breast enlargement surgery. You can never predict how they’re going to heal, or how they’ll feel. No matter who you go to for the surgery. Which risks resulting in you looking like a playmate from the 90’s. Now I’m not saying that I would go HUGE if I got a boob job, I have a tiny frame so I would look absolutely ridiculous if I got double D’s. I’m thinking a C cup. Enough for cleavage but not enough I lose food in there. 

 I suppose i’ll never know if I’m serious about this decision until I have the money to spend on the procedure.


Until then, I will survive with my little ones. This is how I was made and I can either hate myself and always wear baggy clothing to hide my figure or I can embrace it until I make the decision whether to change it or not. I choose the latter. I will continue to wear stuffed bras that make me more confident and wear bodycon clothing when I’m having a good day (and not planning to eat bloating inducing foods). That’s how I CHOOSE to live my life, my breasts don’t define who I am. No matter what your insecurity is, if you want to wear something that makes you feel good then wear it. Don’t worry about what it makes a certain body part look like. Chances are people aren’t looking anyway, they’re too busy admiring that inner happy glow coming from you.

Much Love xxxx

‘Are You Sure?’ Launch

Just before New Years I was scrolling through Twitter and I saw A LOT of fuss about a new song called: ‘Are You Sure?’. The song was being released in two days from the first tweet and ‘Twit Fans’ (I just made that up) were very excited. If you don’t know the song, Kris Kross Amsterdam collaborated with UK singer Conor Maynard and American rapper Ty Dolla Sign and created one hell of a song. This tune will be stuck in your head all day. You learn the chorus within seconds…. making it a lot more tempting to sing along the second time you listen to it in a row… Trust me, you will listen to it a second time in a row, if not a third, fourth and even a fifth! Have a listen:

The day it was released, it was on my Spotify playlist, my i-tunes and in my head for basically the whole day- making it really difficult to listen to anyone trying to start a conversation. Also now anytime I say: “Are you sure?” to a friend my brain starts playing the beat. Therefore the problem they came to me in the first place basically falls out of my head. If you want to know more on my opinion on this song, have a look at my YouTube channel- 2016 Favourites 😉

Can we all just take a moment to laugh at my sham of a channel by the way!

Before I get into how someone like me got into the launch of this song, let me tell you what I already knew before I heard this song. I already knew of the three artists and love their music. Conor Maynard first came out with his song ‘Turn Around’ and from what I can remember, he disappeared after that. That’s how it was for me, don’t come at me Maynard fans with ‘Conor History 101’.

 It was only a few months ago a friend recommended his YouTube channel to me because he does pretty awesome covers. Through that I found some more of his original songs. 

 Kris Kross Amsterdam is like the dutch version of Calvin Harris and David Guetta, but there’s three of them. Brothers: Jordy and Sander Huisman and Yuki Kempees. You know the song ‘Sex’ that you always sing along too (you know you do) – that’s them!!

Finally Ty Dolla Sign… need I say more? I guarantee you have at least two songs from him on your playlist.

Anyway, one day on their twitter, Kris Kross Amsterdam said they were going to give two tickets to the launch party of the song to a lucky fan. All you had to do was tweet them a pic of the song on your Spotify playlist. Now let me make one thing clear, I never planned or expected to win. I honestly entered because I wanted to show the guys I liked their song. Once I did it, I forgot about it and went to work. The day before the launch I get a tweet from the dutch DJ telling me I won…. 

The launch was in Amsterdam, I live in London, Like I said: I didn’t actually expect to win.

 I asked my best friend if she wanted to go Amsterdam the next morning and understandably it was too short notice for her. So I brushed it off and thought ‘Okay, never mind.’ Suddenly I was so annoyed at myself. I was in a position to go and do something for awesome and be around people who wanted to celebrate the song and the artists, plus who says no to going to Amsterdam?! I was given two tickets, no questions asked and I was choosing to stay at home and watch ‘Celebrity Big Brother’… Christ. 

After a lot of contemplating and going back and forth, I decided to go… BY MYSELF!!!! So at 1am I’m there booking a flight in a few hours, hotel room, thinking about how much money I need and most importantly: WHAT TO WEAR!

After three hours of anxious sleep I left for the airport with my carry on bag. No issues with the plane, even got a nice table at Pret while I had my brekkie. Now, I come from a performance background, so you’d think I’d be okay with nerves and have some techniques on how to calm myself down… Short breathes. Imagining myself meditating by a flowing river, the breath of a unicorn blowing away my worries….WRONG! I was fucking bricking it! I have never been to a party by myself, let alone a country. I’m one of those girls who check if any of my friends need the toilet before I commit going by myself, so this was a huuuuge deal for me! Luckily this was the third time I’ve been to Amsterdam so I knew the airport and I knew the area, so there was some sort of comfort. After grabbing some dinner, going for a walk and having a nap (Yes, all BY MYSELF),  I got ready. Make up was looking okay, outfit looked good considering I didn’t try it on beforehand and brought no back up – Someone up there was looking out for me. I soon left my hotel room for the launch.

The launch was held at Curtain Club (a few doors down from my hotel). At first I had to hype myself to go into the club knowing I’d be by myself and majority, if not all, of the club would be people speaking dutch. But I had come this far so I braved it and went in. Imagine if I went all that way and got ready and spent money to go back to my room and sleep?!

Immediately I ran to the bar and basically downed my drink to give me some courage to talk to people. The club was like a huge hall, with a DJ set, seating and a bar (obvs). But there were a lot of people and the room was 1000 degrees. After 20 minutes of getting used to the area and making small talk with people, each conversation consisting of: You’re here by yourself?! Wow, that’s so cool!’ (Not gonna lie, I was pretty proud of myself too.) I went outside to get some fresh air. Thank god for beer jackets because it was freezing outside! 

Next thing I know, I bump into Jordy Huisman… Yes… THE Jordy of Kris Kross Amsterdam. I immediately introduce myself and we have a quick chat about the night and how much I enjoy his work. He asks if I’m from London and thanks me for coming, he then suggests I introduce myself to Conor Maynard who was having a chat with some people across the road. After telling Jordy I don’t want to disturb him, he’ll have enough girls introducing themselves to him once he steps into the club, Jordy insists. Well I wasn’t going to say ‘No, ta’ was I?

I walk over, introduce myself and tell him how I knew of his work. I then tell him I’m excited to see him perform. After a quick chat, he then goes to perform and I down another drink. FYI, Desperados get me drunk fast!

The performance was amazing. They stand behind the DJ set and grab everyone’s attention. Conor starts off with two covers of songs that everyone knows: One Dance by Drake and Sex by Cheat Codes and Kris Kross Amsterdam- Duh! Finally he ends the trio with ‘Are You Sure?’. The whole club was singing along, cheering and dancing to every moment. The atmosphere was a 10/10.

I can’t even imagine being an artist and having all those people showing support and pure love, it must be irreplaceable for them. After the performances they thank everyone and go round the club chatting and taking photos with fans. 

I carry on drinking and did end up talking to Conor some more during the night, he really is a chilled and nice guy. Embarrassingly I chased after him as he was leaving the club to get a photo…. Urgh, should have kept it cool! We took a pouty photo and a ‘normal’ photo, just so I had some choices… Obviously I’m gonna post the pouty one.

See what I mean about those Desperados?

To be honest, the night is still kind of a blur. 30% because of alcohol, but the rest, because it pretty much happened so fast. I was in Amsterdam in less than 24 hours and partied with artists (who probably wouldn’t recognise me in a lineup) I really enjoy and have mad respect for. Like, when does that ever happen?

But most importantly, I proved something to myself. I didn’t let fear stop me from living my life and doing something that I can remember for a really long time. 

 Now that song is more than just a song I like, it’s a song that I can listen to and remember that night.

 I wish I could write something more deep and meaningful on what this experience meant to me, but I think I’m still letting it sink in. This post might seemed rushed and like not a lot of planning went into it, which is 100% true. But, when people read this I want them to think: ‘Okay, next time I get an awesome opportunity, I’m just gonna do it! Because why not?’. Yes, there is a chance you’ll regret doing it, but at least you know you went for it. The worst thing is regretting something you didn’t do, as the chance may never come up again. 

This guy will probably say it better…

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.”  -Sydney J. Harris

Much love xxxx

Is Swiping Right Even A Thing?

God, I hate dating apps. 

Whatever happened to grabbing a coffee and you and your dream man/ woman grabs the same cup and you start talking? Then the next thing you know you’re in a committed and happy relationship? Or does that only happen in films? Seriously though, can someone please tell me that’s happened to them!

Since the launch of P.O.F,, Tinder, Bumble and the other thousands of dating sites/apps, I feel people have gotten lazy when it comes to meeting that special person. Now I’ve had the apps and I tried them for a good year….. They are the most awful apps I have ever had on my phone. I could not go one conversation without the guy offering to “cut the crap and meet up and bang.”…. I’m sorry…. Am I supposed to be like: “yeah, okay!” That’s not why I got them. I was under the impression we actually had to have a civilised conversation and AT LEAST have one thing in common before we decided to meet up and see each other naked. No? Okay, well now I know. 

Now, I am well aware that not all men on dating apps/ sites are like that. You also have the ones who seem interested and then all of a sudden don’t reply. Oh yeah, let’s talk about that for a second: What the fuck is that about? 

This is actually a common conversation I have with two of my friends who had the apps. One of them actually met her current boyfriend on Tinder and both are very happy (glad it works for some). The other is in the same boat as me and just completely confused by the opposite sex.

Let’s start from the beginning. You both swiped right, which is always a good start, you seem to be having good conversation. You’ve looked at their insta and Facebook because you watch a lot of Catfish and you pray that you won’t be one of the fail stories. You talk for about two days, start calling each other ‘babe’ and even leaving kisses after messages. You go about your day fantasising about your first date and that this could be the man of your dreams. You go to message them to ask how their day was and…..nothing. Wait, what? Did he lose his phone? Are my messages sending? Did he combust in flames? Nope, he’s just an asshole. 

Here’s the thing. I get people can change their minds. You never know what’s around the corner, these guys could have met the woman of their dreams at Starbucks (see first paragraph) or the person they were trying to get over and forget about reached out and saw how foolish they were and want to give things a go. If that is the case, then that’s bloody fantastic, if I’m honest. That’s the dream for a lot of people. But then what happens to the people like me? Well it seems the obvious answer is to just ignore me and wait until I get the hint and go away…. Chill dude, we’ve been talking for two days. I’m not gonna throw a Britney in your face and shave all my hair off and hit your car with my umbrella. If anything, I would cheer on for the guy. That’s so nice to hear that things worked out for other people and they got what they want. Because that doesn’t happen a lot in love, or maybe it does. To be honest I’m not the best person to ask…. as you can see.

I’m not asking for a pity party, I’m just confused as to how am I supposed to meet someone if everyone is relying on apps and websites to do it for them. Say I go to the nightclub, and majority of girls can vouch for me on this: Most guys who grab your ass in a club and use their whole tongue during your first kiss aren’t really looking for a girl they can see themselves going on a date with. Having chats till 5am about nothing. They’re basically saying: “Hey, you look like you made an effort with your appearance. I can really see you spent time gluing on lashes to your eyes just so I could invite you back to mine, have sex for 5 minutes and then fall asleep and pray to god you are gone by the morning. Oh and don’t worry about taking my number, I’ll take yours and never call or text you.” We know your secret ‘Nightclub Boys’… You weren’t keeping it that well anyway. Now I haven’t actually gone home with anyone I’ve met at the club, mostly because when I was a kid, the concept of ‘Stranger Danger’ scared the hell  out of me, but also because I don’t enjoy that type of thing. I personally cannot give myself in that way to someone I just met, especially knowing we are both incredibly intoxicated. Doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with it, that’s just not how I, personally, work. As long as the people who are doing it are safe and happy, then I really don’t have an issue with that topic at all.

I’m a firm believer in ‘If it’s meant to be, it will be’. Meaning, you can’t force it and if it’s gonna be a positive influence in your life then it will happen. Ultimately that’s the most important thing, that you are happy. I’ve been single for a long time and I’ve never hated my life because of my lack of a love life, if anything it has given me focus and allowed me to plan my life around..well… me! Which is great, but yeah sometimes I could do with that attention etc you get from your other half. But maybe it’s not meant to happen yet, maybe it won’t happen at all. But I hope it does. I can’t write this blog if I’m not honest about my opinion and what I want. Not fair on you guys or me.

I’m not really sure what the point of this post was… I suppose I’m trying to speak out for the girls or boys who have been through what I’m talking about. I suppose I’m also just venting. And finally, I suppose someone will read this and tell me the answers to my many questions about the male species. But maybe we’re not meant to know how the other sex works…. because where is the fun in that…… (That was 100% sarcasm by the way) 

So dating apps and/ or websites aren’t for me. To be honest, I’ve always had this feeling that I would meet someone out of the blue whilst I’m going about my day, maybe at a party or an event of some kind- if alcohol is available then even better! Until I meet that someone, I’m happy living my life just for me and finding my place in this world.

When I Grow Up…

Remember when you were a kid and it was always clear what you wanted to do with your life and it was super easy to get there. You just had to wish hard enough.

Look at Barbie, she could be a doctor by day and a scuba diver by night all whilst being a mother and maintaining her relationship with Ken, despite that coming to an end. Did anyone ever think that maybe the idealistic life of Barbie could be damaging in the future? Give young girls false hope and allow them to have a relaxed attitude about their career because, anything is possible! I am the prime example of that.

Nothing against Barbie though, she is the original Queen!

I admit to being one of those people who have this fabulous idea and plan exactly how I’m going to get there. Then once I told everyone my master plan, I would totally forget about it. Not necessarily because I didn’t want to do it anymore but because, mainly, I just never thought about it again, almost like I had amnesia.

One thing I always knew was that I wanted was to study the Performing Arts. Okay, time for some background info on me… As a child I was attention seeking, loud and chatty…. I haven’t changed that much if you wanna go there. I took drama lessons any time I could and I would feel my life was over when I didn’t get the main roles in my Primary school plays. I studied Drama GCSE, then went onto study it at college after hating one year of As levels, I moved onto the BTEC in Performing Arts.

Sidenote: I did my Philosophy exam and got a U, my mum still doesn’t believe that I actually sat the exam, she’d rather live at peace ‘knowing’ I just ‘didn’t attend’ Ha! 

After three years in total at college I went onto university…. BA Performing Arts… I can honestly say, uni is never what you expect it’s going to be. I thought I was going to read all these amazing plays and audition in my spare time and write these insightful essays that would blow my tutors away…. Let me break it down on how it really happened….. This doesn’t mean it will be that way for you, this is just what I did. Perhaps you’re better of using the info below for on ‘What Not To Do’.

First year: PARTY, PARTY, PARTY. This was the year I experienced my real first hangover. You’d think I would have felt guilty for focusing more on the social side than the educational side, but to be honest, first year is the year that you should be finding your place. Socialise with everyone, say yes to invites, but keep in mind, you are there to learn something, so get yourself together after vomiting and attend that lecture… something will go in!

Second Year: PARTY SOME MORE! BUT! Start paying attention, because you are basically catching up on first year, and because you are more settled in your surroundings, this year will go by quickly!

Third Year: WHAT HELL IS THIS? You are slowly adjusting that this is it! You need to buckle down if you haven’t already and love your friends every day. Whether you like it or not, this is the last time you’ll be hanging out with some of these people. Now I know this sounds depressing, but people move on and move back home or even to different countries and you have to adjust. Hey, I’m still adjusting to keeping in touch with people and seeing them enough. But the true friends will always understand that it’s not easy and when you do speak, it will be like you never left each others side.

Anyway, back to the point of this blog post. I graduated over two years ago and I’ve gone from job to job and only went to one audition! One! So what I was so sure I wanted to do, kind of drifted away. I thought maybe working behind the scenes is my calling (surprisingly). So rather than being a star, I would make a star. I started an internship at an agency, and although I didn’t stay there permanently I LEARNED SO MUCH! Not just about the business but also about myself. I learned that I can catch on things quickly, I write pretty good emails and I have a badass phone manner (in a good way). I really came into my own in that job, but the hours were all day and every day. And to be honest, I am not they type of person that can sit in an office all day. I started to get ill and stressed out, my skin was way paler than it should be naturally, so it was time to leave. Still with no clue on what I wanted to be.

I do work now, but I’d rather keep that private for now… nothing bad… just wanna get my feet wet in this whole blogging thing before I share.

Is the job I have now what I want to do for the rest of my life? Not really. But it’s rewarding and I enjoy it, the hours suit me and gives me time to try other things which, as you can see, is extremely important for me.

Since the new year, my social feeds are flooded with people saying this is their year and they are gonna boss it! Great for them! Honestly, that’s amazing that people have plans and goals. But then it raises the question for me: Why am I confused rather than celebrating? What did everyone else do right that I didn’t?

I guess by writing this blog post, I’m letting others know: YOU ARE NOT ALONE! ‘Cue Michael Jackson song!’

Deciding what to do with your life is a big decision and shouldn’t be decided solely on social pressure or panic. What kind of life is that? Right now, I have an income and as long as I work hard at that then I’m not wasting time and who knows what comes round the corner. If 2016 showed me anything, it’s that I can think on my feet and I’m pretty lucky to have such a supportive family and friends. And I wanna show support to anyone reading this. We’ll figure it out and in a few years when we’re working our dream jobs or looking after our wonderful family. We will laugh at ourselves for putting so much pressure on ourselves. Things fall into place, but that doesn’t mean we sit and wait. It will only come if we prove to ourselves we deserve it.